Reflections

Fact: My daughter is the most beautiful child in the world.

Fact: To every parent, their child is the most beautiful child in the world.

I see my daughter through my kaleidoscope eyes as a child who is exquisite. Logically, I know I am not the first parent to think this, we all do about our children. But, I also believe that we all secretly think that our child really is the most magnificent child to walk the planet. And that is fine, because no two people see through the same eyes.

I don't want this to be misconstrued but I have a love-hate relationship with mirrors. If one is there I always look in it, way too often, I can't help myself. BUT, I am not looking at my reflection so often because I like what I see, it is more the reverse. I have always been self-conscious and uncomfortable in my own skin. It really has only been recently that I am growing into myself. It is a journey. I do not feel insignificant anymore. As I grow older I can now understand and appreciate myself (Hello 30!).

Now, here is my enigma. How to teach Isla to see herself through my evolved eyes. I need her to see herself how I see her. How do you teach that? I insist that she knows that every single perfect imperfection is just as it is meant to be. How do I teach her that she is beautiful? And I how do I teach her to recognize that beauty comes in all forms. How can you possibly teach confidence, happiness and contentment...

Now, let me tell you a story. Nate and I sat in the doctor's office. "Any questions?" asked the cranial-facial specialist/brain surgeon/genius. "Umm, yes", I replied. I hadn't asked anyone this question yet because it was just too scary for me to do so. I summoned all courage to my lips and began to speak. I explained that when I look at Isla in the mirror she looks different. Her face looks radically asymmetrical, her misshapen features a hundred times more pronounced. She looks like a different child to me when I see her reflection. So, I braced myself and asked the question that I needed to ask. "Do other people see her the way I see her or do they see her the way I see her in the mirror?"

The doctor proceeded to tell me that because I am her mother my brain is filtering what I see. Other people see her as I see her in the mirror.

I cried.

I was seeing her again for the first time, my heart broke. For two days I could not trust my own mind. Why would my brain lie to me only to show me the truth in the mirror. If my brain truly was filtering the severity of her perfect imperfections wouldn't it do so across all settings? It didn't make sense to me...so I researched.

I found only a couple of websites but they were there. One explained that the reverse image in the mirror will make a child who has hemifacial microsomia look more asymmetrical because the mirror is a 2 dimensional surface, rather than the 3 dimensional view our brains are accustomed to.

I cried again.

That doctor was wrong! Everyone sees her as I do! Well, not exactly as I do, obviously I see her as the most beautiful child to ever walk the planet!

I found a second website where a mom worried about the same issue but brought a new perspective. If that is how she appears in the mirror, is that how she will always see herself?

AGH!

I reflect on my own past insecurities and cringe. I want to teach her all the things that took me so long to learn. I want to be a good mom.

I guess all women will have their own battles with their reflection. I desperately pray that Isla's journey does not have to be more burdensome than the average struggle.

I don't know the answers to all my questions and I don't know how exactly I will answer hers. Some people don't see the extreme difference in her in the mirror that I do, that frustrates me and at the same time gives me hope.

Life is fascinating because no two people see through the same eyes.

Each reflection is an individual and exceptional stained glass window.

All the colorful pieces fit together just as they were always meant to.